Alan Osler's page

Celebrity Twats

2011-01-03T20:34:00.003+01:00

"Here's the deal, folks. You do a commercial - you're off the artistic roll call, forever. End of story. Okay? You're another whore at the capitalist gang bang and if you do a commercial, there's a price on your head. Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink." - Bill Hicks

A celebrity officially enters the world of twatdom once he or she sinks low enough to sell out and sell crap. Nothing is worse than seeing Mr T throwing chocolate bars from a helicopter in an attempt to get down wiv da kidz.

The worst of these evil alliances tends to be between stand-up comedians and insurance companies. Before we see who tops the list, lets have a run down of the top ten Celebrity Twats…

10 Ringo Starr

Remember those horrible adverts when selected has-beens, including Ringo Starr, told us that they “wouldn’t have got where they were today without changing their names”? It was supposed to be a reference to the Norwich Union building society “changing its name” to Aviva.

There’s a few problems here. Firstly, Ringo got where he was today thanks to John Lennon, George Harrison and Paul McCartney (in that order). None of them had to change their names. Ringo wasn’t the best drummer in the world. He wasn’t even the best drummer in The Beatles. So the first half of the analogy makes no sense.

Secondly, Norwich Union didn’t change their name to Aviva, they were bought out by them. Aviva have been around since 2000, and are the sixth largest insurance company in the world. I even wrote about these shits in my book, well before these terrible commercials were aired. The second half of the analogy also fails.

9 Carol Vorderman

Carol Vorderman made her name on TV’s “Countdown” by performing simple arithmetic and being slightly more attractive than Richard Whiteley. She is the most famous mathematician in the country, and she’s not even a mathematician. She studied engineering at Cambridge and only got a 3rd class degree. I could stick a pencil in my arse and fart out a 3rd class degree.

None of this stopped Vorderman fronting adverts from “loans company” Firstplus, advising viewers to get more into debt.

Here’s a typical hermit-head’s reaction…

“When you see Carol Vorderman you think ‘she's really good with figures so it must be good'. And because you're so eager to get the money and pay the debt off, you just sign it.”

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/1146661969,42304

The world financial crisis can be laid squarely at Carol Vorderman’s blood soaked feet.

8 The “Go Compare” Man.

Does this bastard have a real name?

When polls and surveys which ask the question “who is the most hated person in the UK?” have been conducted in recent years, top of the list has always been the psychotic war criminal, Tony Blair. However, recently he has been knocked off the top spot by the transvestite opera singer from the “Go Compare” adverts.

There was an article in the newspapers recently that stated that the Go Compare man gets, on average, two boxes of human shit in the post every week. What I want to know is - who’s sending the other one?

7 Alan Davies

Davies began his career advertising the Abbey National building society, before branching out as a tongue-leech feeding exclusively off the shit seeping from Stephen Fry’s mouth and anus.

It’s not only me who thinks Davies is a twat. There is an organisation known as the Alan Davies is a Twat Fellowship. Please register your interest at their website…

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18384445819

That’s not all. Alan Davies is a cannibal. He bit off a homeless man’s ear.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article3037185.ece

The comedian and actor Alan Davies insisted yesterday that he was “not normally an aggressive guy” after being accused of biting a tramp’s ear while drunk.

I was going to open an account with the Abbey National this morning (if they even exist anymore), but then I remembered their public face - a desperate, greedy, tramp-eater. So I bought shares in a chemical weapons manufacturer instead.

6 Stephen Merchant

Note that Merchant insists on spelling his first name using the girly “ph”, rather than the real man’s “v”. However, that isn’t the limit of this man’s twatishness.

Once known as half of the comic genius behind “The Office” and “Extras”, Merchant is now the face of the hugely popular Barclay’s Bank. Here is an article from the Observer newspaper, printed in 2007.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2007/jan/28/accounts.Zimbabwenews

I’m pretty sure this is the one that Merchant read before offering his services. Here are some choice quotes…

Barclays bank is helping to bankroll President Robert Mugabe's regime in Zimbabwe, providing millions of pounds of support for his vilified land reforms, The Observer can reveal. Mugabe's opponents describe the bank's activities as a 'disgrace' and an 'insult' to the millions who have suffered human rights abuses.

One of the most controversial of Barclays' Zimbabwe loans is the £30m it provides to a state-sponsored agricultural 'facility' aiming to sustain land reforms that saw Mugabe seize white-owned farmland and drive more than 100,000 black workers from their homes. The government has expelled more than a million opposition supporters from Harare and Bulawayo, dumping them in the countryside.

Even more telling, however, is the actual advert itself. It shows how the “vonderboy” of British comedy lost his way.

“Isn’t it funny how financial institutions have changed the way in which they save, but we haven’t”

Says Merchant. He says something like that anyway, but all the videos seemed to have been removed from Youtube by his team of highly trained lawyers, so I can’t check.

Anyway, the truth is contained in that one “quote”. Merchant is amused by the fact that banks use different financial methods compared with normal people. Amused. I bet Ricky Gervais isn’t amused by that.

That is why Gervais is writing scripts for star studded Hollywood blockbusters, and Merchant is left waving the flag for Robert Mugabe’s piggy bank.

5 Rowan Atkinson

Atkinson was the public face of Barclaycard for about six years. The bigwigs at Barclaycard were reportedly huge fans of Mr Bean, and wanted to re-brand their shitty credit card in Bean’s image. Mute, greedy and corrupt.

The worst thing is that, unlike most of the people on this list, Atkinson didn’t really need the money - he did it purely for love (and money).

The best thing about this story is that it has a happy ending. Barclays finally got sick of being associated with the “rubber faced twat”, and got rid of him.

http://www.marketingmagazine.co.uk/news/64997/Barclaycard-ditch-Atkinson/?DCMP=ILC-SEARCH

4 Lenny Henry

Lenny Henry advertises Premier Inn. He’s always at it. It got to the point that anyone on a TV commercial who had only a passing resemblance to Lenny was assumed, by people in my house, anyway, to be him.

“Is he advertising Curry’s now?”

“Good God, he’s doing George Forman’s grills this time!”

“What’s going on? There are two of him! Is that a camera trick? Why?”

Etc.

Someone told me that this bit might be seen as a bit racist. It isn’t. If you want to see racism, watch how the BBC lists the victims of disasters in the “order of importance”.

And it might just be a coincidence that Lenny started doing adverts for a hotel just after his wife, Dawn French, kicked him out.

3 Joe Pasquale

I’m not going to write my bit on Pasquale just yet. Not because he isn’t a Celebrity Twat (he is), or because someone who knows him asked me not to (he did), but because I’m trying to work out if he puts on that voice or not.

The advert, of course, is ambulance chasers “Underdog”. Pasquale voices a plasticine dog, while overweight twat, Brian Blessed, plays himself.

The controversy is this - Pasquale claims that the bizarre noise coming out of his face hole is his actual, real voice. He says this on the 2010 Channel 4 “100 greatest Standups” list show. On the same show, seconds before, was Pasquale from many years ago, looking much younger and sounding much more normal. I have a team looking into this.

And, by the way Channel 4, Billy Connelly is not the worlds best stand up. The top three are, in no particular order, Steve Hughes, Stewart Lee and Sean Lock.

2 Paul Whitehouse

Aviva has ruined more careers than any other company. Whitehouse was one of the best comedians of the 90s, so I’m assuming Aviva had photos of him and Enfield and threatened to publish. Nothing else explains why someone with Whitehouse’s talent would sink so low.

“Back in my day, concerts were free. You need a mortgage for tickets today. He he.” quips Whitehouse. No Paul, you’d go to prison for mortgage fraud if you did that. You’d be sharing a cell with Matt Lucas and David Walliams, who tried a similar stunt - pretending to be women when opening an account at their local building society.

The lazy way to try and make a difference in the world is to boycott twatishness. Don’t buy it, watch it or piss on it if it’s on fire. That’s why I just bought tickets to see Jerry Sadowitz, rather than “An Audience With Stephen Fry”. This policy becomes unstable when it comes to people like Whitehouse, who still produces brilliant comedy. So Whitehouse, if you’re reading this, and I am going to send it to you, either stop doing the adverts or stop being funny.

1 Stephen Fry

One of the best measurements of a man’s twatisness is the title of his autobiography.

Insufferable prick Richard Hammond, for example, selected these titles:

As You Do. That was published in 2008, and Hammond evidently thinks “As you do” is one of his catchphrases. The other being…

Or Is That Just Me? That was published in 2009, with all the juicy stuff from the previous twelve months.

The only interesting thing that ever happened to Hammond was when he got into a rocket and drove into a tree, but that was in 2006.

Still, at least the barely educated Hammond isn’t writing physics books for children. Apart from the sinister Can You Feel the Force?: Putting the Fizz Back into Physics. (Dorling Kindersley 2006), published the same year as his suicide attempt.

Anyway, Fry has trumped them all. In a move that has even staggered his sharpest critics, Fry’s book of shit is called…

The Fry Chronicles : An Autobiography

Yes, “Chronicles” because Fry is a cross between Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare, and “an” autobiography because there’s going to be ten more.

Stories abound about Fry nosing his way into someone personal space and giving them the benefit of his ripe idiocy.

No, Fry, no. The only thing you are allowed to comment on is car insurance. Perhaps insurance for pets, or for houses. It depends on what Direct Line are doing. Same goes for you, Merton. (You’ve got away with it for some reason, Merton. You even called Gary Lineker a crisp salesman on Have I Got News For You while you were pocketing your dirty silver. You’re just lucky that Fry’s twat-shadow shields you)

I wonder what Stephen Fry’s website is called?

The New Adventures of Stephen Fry

I preferred the old one. The one where he went mental and got on a ferry to Belgium.

Ray Peacock's Blunkett Rant

2011-01-02T23:44:00.002+01:00

Ray Peacock is a pretty good comedian. This is a transcript of a rant he had at the end of his set from a 2005 “Edinburgh and Beyond” show. It isn’t on Youtube, and I don’t know how to transfer it from Murdoch’s Shitbox to the internet.

…Terrible people…they’re as much use as…David Blunkett’s Gameboy.

(Some laughs)

Fuck off, don’t have a knee jerk reaction to that! “He’s blind…”, fuck that, he’s a cunt. You can be disabled and be a nasty piece of work, and he’s fucking one of them. And I know they’ll cut this out but I don’t give a shit. I’m not even doing the telly thing any more, I’m having a rant.

Beware…seriously…mind Blunkett. Don’t think it’s Blair, it’s not fucking Blair, Blair’s just stupid. Blunkett’s the nasty one and I knew he’d be back after the election. Don’t fucking…Beware Blunkett! I’m going to have T-shirts hade of that on…he won’t see ‘em…

(moans, laughter and applause…)

It’s nasty…no honestly though, I’m serious…(gestures backstage) I’m going to take just a moment to say this…(back to stage)…this is like a rally!…that thing, and they’re trying to push it through as well again, this law that he came up with, he wanted to be able to arrest and imprison…anyone…he thought was a terrorist. Indefinitely. No proof! Anyone at all he thought was a terrorist. With the greatest respect David, you’re not the person to be pinpointing what is and isn’t a terrorist. What are you going to do, fucking smell ‘em?

It’s hidden racism, that’s all it is, and don’t be fooled by it.

Blunkett doing that…(sniffs)…”that’s curry that, well get ‘im in jail, get ‘im in jail!”

He’s not even blind.

(laughs)

That’s my personal opinion. I believe that you know. He’s not blind, Blunkett. I’ve no facts to back that up with.

It’s just pure evil. All that with he’s eyes? (Does convincing impression of Blunkett’s sockets) That’s ‘cos he’s got fucking Voldemort on the back of he’s head, that is. I’m sorry for saying that name out loud but I’m angry…

Book for sale! Finally.

2010-12-12T17:13:00.001+01:00

(this is a permanent top post - newer stuff is under, so don't tell me that it isn't 2012 please. .....Jan 2011 and I've changed it back. I so crazy)

It is finally here...The Con - Scuba Diving in the Sea of Disinformation can now (12 March 2008) can be bought from...

1 This website
2 The gay bakers down the road
3 Smoking Man, who runs the wine shop
4 Any of about 10 people I have given free copies to. You could probably buy one of them on the cheap, if you do not mind peeling the dried tears of laughter and sorrow from the pages.

EDIT - 13 March

One of my many brothers just called - madly, Amazon started selling my book yesterday. Wow! Fast. They even know how many pages it is - a number that I deliberately kept secret, for reasons best known to myself. I sent a copy to the British Library - which is a legal requirement (inside, I wrote "enjoy your free book, you tight fisted bastards") and registered it with the ISBN people, so they probably got info from one of those places. Still, pretty good going for Amazon, who are one of the world's better companies.

Anyway, it is 12 Pounds, or 15 Euros, including postage and packing. I'm going to try those paypal button things here. Send me an email at aosler@hotmail.com for more info.

That's for the UK

and that is for the rest of Europe, apart from Switzerland, for some reason. The US dollar is worth nothing right now, so I'm not putting it up in dollars just yet.

(I have to write something in here, because blogger is shite and keeps deleting the empty lines I put in. Amazingly, it is still doing it. What is wrong with this software? Blogger can piss off)

Finally, here is one for Germany - a bit cheaper as the postage is only E1.50 (E12.50 in total)

For those of you with weak minds, here is a reminder of the chapter titles:

Foot in Mouth Disease
Religion – The Original Con
Darwinian Evolution – Religion for Atheists
Education – Another Brick in the Wall
The Destruction of Culture – Mozart Spins in his Grave
Hollywood History Lessons
Real History Lessons
Biological Warfare at Home
Blackmailing the Rulers of the World
Disinformation, Crisis Management and the Super Bizarre
Puppeteers and the Art of Misdirection
Conjecture, Opinion and other such Wank

The Grauniad makes an amusing mistake

2010-10-02T18:46:00.002+02:00

This "correction" appeared in yesterday's Guardian newspaper. Ha!

Mind your business

2009-09-17T20:23:00.003+02:00

I noticed 2 funny things today.

The first isn't funny though. Anyway, when the BBC's "news" website happens to have 2 versions of the same story (yesterday it was about the world's tallest man, today it is "Obama shelves Europe missile plan"), both versions appear in the top 5 most read stories.

Why? Because people want to see if the BBC has censored anything. God knows what they would want to cover up about the 8 feet tall Turk.

The other thing...

I watched The Fellowship of the Ring earlier, but with German audio and English subtitles (that's my "German lesson"). Someone must have been having a laugh, because the subtitles turned Galdalf into a pot head.

First, he's smoking his pipe with Frodo, and he says "this is fantastic weed". Then later on, during his first meeting with Saruman, the elder wizard remarks:

"All that Hobbit weed has dulled your senses".

Saruman beats the shit out of Gandalf the next time they meet as a punishment.

German TV = stupid

2009-09-14T15:53:00.003+02:00

I accidentally watched German television the other day. It is truly awful - worse than English TV by a huge margin.

However, I found something rather amusing - the logos in the corner of the screen (yes, I was watching the logos rather than the desperate tattooed youths that were chronicled continuously).

Above are the logos for RTL 2 and Kabel 1.

See anything odd?

RTL 2 has a Hitler moustache for a logo. It cannot possibly mean anything else.

Not to be outdone, Kabel 1 has opted for an erect Jew's penis.

I have asked both companies for an explanation, and they blamed each other for making the "first move".

Well done Aviva

2009-03-01T18:15:00.001+01:00

Anyone who has had the misfortune to watch British television recently has probably seen the adverts by Norwich Union, “soon to be known as Aviva”.

Apparently, Norwich Union is changing its name to Aviva, and it has recruited a bunch of talentless bastards to tell us about it. The message is “we are just changing our name - we haven’t been bought out by the 5th largest insurance company in the world which was founded in 2000”.

Although, of course, Aviva is the 5th largest insurance company in the world, and was founded nine years ago. So well done Aviva.

Aviva are bastards. Chapter 8 of my book, which I wrote more than a year ago, kicks off with this letter from Viz magazine…

“I work in a call centre in Norwich and we’ve just been told our jobs are moving to India. I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I’ll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.”

Quite.

One of the above mentioned talentless bastards is Ringo Star. Ringo wasn’t the best drummer in the world. He wasn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles. “Would I have got where I am today if I was still called Richard Starkey?” the twit asks.

Where you are today, Ringo? Advertising a shoddy insurance company that has pretended to change its name?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison didn’t change their names. They are legends. You are a wanker.

Bill Hicks once said “once you do a commercial, you are off the artistic roll call…for ever”.

In other news: From this day forth, Iggy Pop, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry will all be known as car insurance salesmen. Desperate shits.

Flight from Nazi Germany

2008-12-12T18:45:00.002+01:00

It was like a scene from The Great Escape, but with aeroplanes instead of motorbikes.

I am writing this while waiting to board a flight from Schonefeld Airport in Berlin to Luton Airport in “London”. Luton is not in London, of course. It is in Bedfordshire. This always amuses me – once, an American tourist asked me, during a flight, how to get from Luton Airport to Oxford Street.
“Go to London, fatty”.

Anyway, the train journey to the airport should have been simple, but weirdly, someone decided to privatise the train service, seemingly during my journey.
The ticket Nazi demanded three extra Euros. This has never happened before, and the only money I had with me was a bunch of English coins.
I might have missed the flight, but the guy I was standing next to – a friendly Kurdish man named Karpox – bought my ticket for me. I gave him one of my books in return. If you’re reading this Karpox, thanks again.

But I wasn’t out of Hitler’s grasp yet. Unknown to me, my luggage contained two – TWO! – cigarette lighters. And this was against whatever law that they had just made up.

Actually, most bombs have two fuses that have to set off simultaneously.

No they don’t.

I was told by security staff at the airport that that gas from the lighters might “escape”. Two lighters would do untold damage. Not one though. Just two.

So the woman stole my stuff, and it was “problem solved”. Stealing really is breaking the law (as opposed to taking a second lighter onboard a plane). Although the woman who stole my stuff was Steven Seagal in the 1988 film “Above The Law”, so that’s OK then.

But still the ordeal was not over (and it still isn’t. I’m scribbling this on the back of my boarding pass).

Burger King! A Whopper Junior with cheese please, at only a slightly criminal exchange rate.

Burger King at the airport has a new law too, presumably so they won’t feel left out. What is this law? No coins. Just notes. I had the correct money in coins, but they refused to serve me. I’m going to write to Burger King about this. Arseholes.

At least I could find the smoking section. Except I couldn’t, because smoking here seems to be against the law too. When I pointed out that the German government is polluting the Middle East with depleted uranium that has a half-life of half a million years (which might even be true) and that these people shouldn’t tell us Allies what to do, the guy just shrugged.

There is no trial by jury in Germany, and you really can end up in prison for simply saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Just ask Sylvia Stoltz, lawyer for Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel. Stoltz got a three and a half year prison sentence for simply repeating her client’s claims. Although before she was dragged off to the cells, she did make a rather outrageous and goading comment, telling everyone that she thought the Holocaust was “the biggest lie in the history of the world”. Steady on, Sylvia! Mad or not, these people should be either debated or ignored, not locked up. Remember, this comes from a country that started a second world war after PROMISING not to only a few years earlier. Etc.

P.S.

Two people just stood up in the waiting area, and within a minute, everyone in the room was on their feet, holding their bags. But we are not boarding yet. I am still sitting here, and have just said “Why are you all standing? It isn’t musical chairs. The last one in line doesn’t have to cling to the wheels.” Ten minutes later, only one person decided to sit back down. People are idiots.

P.P.S I love Germany really. I have to say that or they’ll arrest me next time I go there.

Spectre Returns

2008-11-27T17:58:00.002+01:00

Fearless anti war activist Ryan Dawson appears to have dug up some information about a spy ring operating at the top levels of government.

For a long time many have wondered who was Mega? Who was the super spy with all the dirt on the Clintons and other members of government. Well Mega was never a man it's a group.

You want names I got'em. If there is one thing I can't stand in the truth movement is vague groups with no names.

Mega is not a super spy per se it's not an individual it's a group and the mega group is in charge of the politicians they handle. Mega is a group of Jewish billionaires. Referring to "Mega" just means the guy we have on so and so. This group finances politicians and owns much of the press, they set up honey traps and once compromised, they back the politician who they can ruin any time they choose.

Read the rest here

http://www.rys2sense.com/anti-neocons/viewtopic.php?f=42&t=13498

I'm in London for Christmas. If anyone wants to buy my book, I'll buy them a drink in return.

Dispatch from an anti Lyndon LaRouche meeting

2008-10-18T18:53:00.007+02:00

NOTE - this is has not been proof read, and I normally make things slightly funnier by using bold and italics. But I do not have time, as I told someone it would go up tonight. I'll change all the crap later.

Dispatch from an anti Lyndon LaRouche meeting

Yesterday, I decided to be a real journalist, and went to a meeting in Berlin named Is the LAROUCHE GROUP A DANGER TO SOCIETY? (sic).

Here’s a bit of background. Lyndon LaRouche is an American conspiracy theorist who claims that “British Interests” led by Her Majesty the Queen of England, are responsible for absolutely every crime that has ever been committed. For example, “Dope Inc.” blames “the British” for international drug trafficking. The brilliantly titled “The Coming Fall of the House of Windsor” accuses the World Wildlife Fund (or perhaps the World Wrestling Federation) of genocide in Africa.

Some of Larouche’s work has merit – he writes well about the economy, and predicted the crash that we are seeing now accurately several years ago. He also knows a thing or two about classical culture.

Nevertheless – most of the time, Mr LaRouche is an entertaining conspiracy theorist in the mould of David Icke. Or perhaps that should be the other way round – currently, at 140, Lyndon LaRouche is the oldest man in America.

Anyway, a few years ago, a member of the LaRouche Youth Movement (LYM), Jeremiah Duggan, was killed in a road accident in Germany. While Larouche himself was no doubt blaming the Duke of Edinburgh for this tragedy, another group appeared to be developing a theory of their own – that Mr Duggan was beaten to death (“not by LaRouche – I don’t want to get sued”) because he was Jewish. Also, “not completely shit” MP Simon Hughes was due to speak.

So here are my notes from this 3 hour meeting. Be warned – I was trying to be funny, and at many points I got bored and perhaps stepped over the line in a desperate attempt to amuse myself. They are also completely unedited, apart from the usual spelling errors. And I was still suffering from two bottles of delicious Spanish wine that I have been drinking a mere hours earlier.

(Chip Berlet is an American author who has written several books calling LaRouche names. Simon Hughes is a Liberal Democrat MP. I didn’t know the others, so I describe then “virginally”)

* * * * *

2p.m.
It’s about to start. I’m in row two, right in front of Chip Berlet. He is huge, and is sitting with his legs wide apart. It looks uncomfortable, and his “penis bulge” is clearly visible under the table for all to see.
Dr. Matthew Feldman looks about 12 years old. Hans-Christian Stoebele looks like Professor Wormstrong, Hubert Farnsworth’s enemy in Futurama. He is still wearing his scarf. The man in the middle is wearing a leather beret and looks like Leon, that mad assassin played by that French guy who can’t shave. I can’t see his name.
Dr Rainer Fromm appears to be the moderator, and has a speech impediment which will distract me for the duration of this event.
Fromm is talking about conspiracy theories, ignoring the fact that he is spinning one himself. The literature I have suggests that Jeremiah Duggan was killed because he was Jewish. Why doesn’t LaRouche beat up Jeff Steinberg, his right hand man? And Jeff’s wife. And all the other Jews he employs? Let’s hope that this isn’t their “motive”.
While I was writing, Stroebele was rambling about some court case he has looming. Shit – that sounded interesting, he has a chip on his shoulder about something.
“Dr” Feldman is reading a load of old quotes (that I have heard before). Sit up straight boy!
He has a friend (edit – I don’t know who this “he” is) who is a psychiatrist. Somehow, she convinced him that LaRouche is guilty of murder. This is quite surreal, as I am writing, listening and also thinking about what to have for dinner later, all at the same times. And it is a strange event to begin with.
“I’m not a lawyer, I’m not a physician, but I have my common sense” said one of the German panellists. Holy shit.
Meanwhile, Dr. Rainer Fromm – who is not an attractive man – is nodding annoyingly every two or three seconds. Staring at the speaker, nodding in his face so he can see. Leather Beret is telling us his lack of policing skills now. Normally when a sentence begins “well, I’m not a plumber/doctor/lawyer…” you know that you can simply stop listening. They guys keep saying this new “buzzphrase” like it is supposed to impress us.
Where are the experts?

Oh yes, there are secret service types here. Two or three. Simon Hughes MP has not turned up, but they left his nametag on the table until 1.59pm. There is one semi-proffesional camera set up, one large mixing desk, expensive headsets, two languages, English and German, tea, coffee, black bread with cheese and ham. Probably eighty people, perhaps one hundred. The room is full. I asked one of the drones working here is she knew who had paid for this – she didn’t know.
Chip Berlet is talking about anti-Semitism. He is seemingly unaware that the most widely spoken Semitic language (half a billion speakers?) is Arabic. Perhaps I’ll send him my book. The word “anti-Semitic” is one of the worlds most common and annoying misnomers. Chip just got it right – he said “Judeophobia”, or something similar. I wonder if this will catch on?

Chip is holding up one of LaRouche’s more entertaining magazines, the “Children of Satan” special. I have read it – it is interesting, but, well, “Anti British”. Chip says it is “antismitic”, and points to a picture of Dick Cheney (who isn’t Jewish – or even Arabic).

I’ve just glanced at a green photocopied handout by “Ada Waterford”. She spells Dick Cheney as “”Dick Cheyney”. She has just lost all my trust.

Chip Berlet is now quoting from the Encyclopedia Judaica. Amazingly – it was an entry which he himself wrote – and he is using it as “evidence” to back up his own theory that LaRouche is anti-Semitic. Fantastic! Alan Osler is God. I saw it on a website, so it must be true. My website.

But no one laughed. I did, but I changed it into a cough when I realised that he was being serious.

Everyone is saying LaRouche is anti Semitic, even though LaRouche blames the British for everything, including stuff that everyone else blames on Israel. The Simpsons and Futurama take the piss out of LaRouche because he is an oddball. These people here are as bad as the old man.
“…individuals who have been in their clutches…”
I don’t know the context, because I was writing out that other stuff. I like the cut of her jib though.
They want the group banned. That’s what this is about, but no one can agree on why. What happened to the murder accusations? Get back to that please. This is nonsense.
The panellists do not appear to know much about this case, and their specialist areas to not seem to overlap. In 5 minutes, we will all be sitting in silence.

2.50p.m.
I wish anti LaRouche writer Dennis King was here, because I just thought of a joke. Here it is anyway.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed Dennis King.
Hans is telling us to use “international pressure”. Who’s he talking to? The hippies, the kids smoking outside or that guy who’s eying up the mixing desk?
“Dr.” Feldman – Feldboy, more like – thinks he is a political scientist. Bless. He is talking about links between LaRouche and Willis Carto. Fuck me! I have learnt something. One fact an hour. But now he is quoting something LaRouche wrote about the evils of facism, and twisting it somewhat. Behave, Matthew.
Fromm is still nodding, like one of those plastic dogs that insane people put in their cars.

Dr. Rainer Fromm looks like the TV Chef Anthony Worrell Thompson. Yes – he looks like that.
And he is still nodding. What next? Is he going to get a vacuum cleaner out, start singing “American Pie” and perhaps take a shit for the camera? He is irritating.

“Dr.” Feldboy is talking about brainwashing, like they do on those youtube videos made by people with credit problems.

Fromm is talking and a can’t concentrate. “And pop that in the oven, bake for twenty minutes”. He has orange hair. And he even nods when he himself is talking.

An ex member now – a woman who look about 45 years old. She said she was a member during her “German A levels”, which must have been some point during the American civil war. She has written a book. Case closed!

Berlet’s bulge is still here. Just so you know.

(edit - at this point I started drawing pictures of the speakers. One had a speech bubble that said “I’m a twat!”, but then I saw that the woman sitting next to me was watching, so I turned over the page.)

Ex member just said something like “people can believe what they like. I believe that we should ban this group”. Ho ho! But it wasn’t a joke.

Another ex member – this is The Big One. Molly Kronberg (Jewish again - actually, the only member of the LaRouche’s organisation who isn’t jewish is Lyndon himself. That’s why he hates them.).
Molly was a member for…..argh! 1973 – 2004! Good God, is she fucking slow or what?

“I spent 31 years beating my hands and feet with hammers. It hurt. After 31 year, I decided to rethink my life, and stop beating my hands and feet with hammers. I want to warn others about the dangers of beating your hands and feet with hammers”
She is complaining about “vicious brainwashing techniques” which she used for more than 30 years. This is like a poorly written comedy. Where’s the punchline?
She just said that LaRouche was responsible for her husband’s suicide 18 months ago, unaware of how oxmoronic she is being.
“I have proof. It is in print”.

I want to say “well, where is it then? Did the dog eat it?”

She has, for reasons best known to herself, decided not to share her “proof”. No one thinks this is strange. More conspiracy theories with no evidence.

“Dr” Feldboy is nodding this time. Kill me now.

Another ex member, Eve Messer from French. He was a member from 1983 to 1994. He is also Jewish.

“LaRouche is a bastard!”

At last, a laugh everyone can share! And they do. Because it’s witty. “Bastard!” Imagine the laugh he would have got if he had said “LaRouche is a cunt!”

They explain that LaRouche uses codewords like “The British”, “British interests” and other oddities to hide his anti jewish sentiment.

Case closed, we may as well pack up and go home. People want to ban the Bible because of perceived anti-Semitism (I just want it moved to the “Fiction” section). These people are every bit as “extreme” as LaRouche.

“Nazis without swastikas”.

Everyone nods and murmurs in agreement.

Dr. Feldboy is reading more quotes, to fill out the time apparently.

3.10p.m.
An expert on Scientology is now talking, but all she is doing is reading one of the leaflets I picked up on the way in. There is a piano in the corner and I want to play Beethoven’s 32 sonata in Cm. Will they mind?

She is talking about LaRouche’s scaremongering about something called a “financial crash” – the weird LaRouchian idea that banks would run out of cash due to gambling on the sub prime market.

Does she not read the news? This is, again, unintentional humour – like one of those satires on Channel 4 that takes a while to understand because there is no laughter track.

There is an episode of the TV series “Sliders” where the characters end up in a parallel universe and the Soviets had won the cold war. The US was a fascist dictatorship – run by guess who? President LaRouche! I think it was the pilot episode. Poor old guy. And “Helga” – LaRouche’s wife – is the most popular name for a witch in England.

So based on that, yeah, let’s ban him. My evidence is as good as theirs.

I think Chip Berlet only came over to try and sell his books.

“The LYM in Germany has 80 members”

Did I hear that right? Christ, there are more people in this room. That can’t be right.

“Telephone Terror”

She is still reading from the sheet. It is all sound bites, no substance.

3.20pm
She is still reading, but get this bit. She just said – and I kid you not…that the LYM produces “robots who read pre prepared material”.

Like you then? Or like every school in the world? Again, no one laughs. I forgot my cigarettes, and I’m looking around for the most likely person to borrow one from. Hippy girl in the corner, reading a magazine. I bet she smokes.

The floor will be open for questions soon. I want to ask “is there anyone in this room who is not a cunt?” but I won’t. They took my name when I collected the headphones.

Jeremiah’s father is now talking. While I feel sorry for his loss, it doesn’t change the fact that he is a conspiracy theorist. His wife blames herself, because she miss spelt “Larouche” when she looked it up on the internet (I also miss spelt Larouch on google – this morning, actually, and google simply corrected it for me.) This does not seem like a good enough reason to blame yourself for what looks like a simple road accident.
Mr Duggan said that Jeremiah was killed, but he can’t say publicly that LaRouche killed him because he doesn’t want to get sued. So he will simply imply it.

He recounts the night of his son’s death – and I’m getting a bit confused here. There was blood on the passport, but that was taken from his room and not his body? No one has actually done an effective job of explaining the inconsistencies of the case so far – none of the panellists have any knowledge of the event, and one wonders what their interest is in the event – it is strange that this task is left to the father, who is clearly emotional. Anyway, he has been, so far, the most informative person at this conference. Apparently, he went to the Tavistock centre during his divorce (once) – a group which is part of LaRouche’s conspiracy theory. It is at this stage that the conspiracy theories collide, and things get confusing. I haven’t got the time to write now about this though.

Mr Duggan said “there is no evidence that he was run over” – essentially accusing the German police of obstruction of justice (of whatever the proper terminology is). He is accusing…someone, I’m not sure who…of interfering with the evidence. Again – interesting, but while he is keeping his proof to himself (like everyone else) it is not a theory that people with invest any belief into without real evidence.

Chip Berlet is wearing huge shoes. At first, I thought he was wearing two of those clogs made for people with one leg longer than the other. But they are just massive.

Dr. Fromm has just told everyone that he is “unfamiliar” with the case. I might stick my hand up and say that I too am unfamiliar with the case. Everyone can join in.

Now Hans is “speculating” on the case. What a waste of time.

The security guards have those transparent curly wires coming out of their ears like Bush’s henchmen.

Hans just said “we have cult officers”. I think he said that, anyway. He also said “Not banning LaRouche is a threat to democracy”. Perhaps I should remind him that we do not live in a democracy. England is a parliamentary monarchy; the US is a constitutional republic, etc. A good example of a democracy would a lynch mob. “Democracy” literally means “mob rule”.

But no – Hans would not understand.

Wait! Hans just said something about running as a Green Party politician. He’s here for publicity! Well, it makes sense. I can’t think of any other reason this dull man bothered to show up. He’s including the Anti LaRouche stuff in part of his campaign. Now things are clearer.

The man in front of me (in “reserved seating”) looks like a bald James Bond. I’m trying, unsuccessfully, to read his notes.

My mind is wandering now, so I’m just looking at all the misfits here. There are some odd looking people, with a few exceptions. “Dr” Matthew Feldman has film star looks. Baldy James Bond has an air to him. However, most of the women are either deeply unattractive (the ones taking part) or just normal (the caterers). Many people have “frown lines” – signs of unhappy lives.

Perhaps I’ll send them this report to cheer them up.

Leather Beret has just backtracked after reading a letter from LaRouche’s solicitor…

“I am not claiming that the LaRouche organisation is responsible for Jeremiah Duggan’s death”.

What? Perhaps the translator is a secret LaRouche employee, and he said something else. Translators – they are the ones with the real power.

SHIT!

The bald James Bond man is Simon Hughes MP!

It is coffee break, and I’m writing down the names of people sitting at the table. Leather Beret is Raeberhand Shultz. They look at me like I’m scum of the earth. Not really.

During the break, I chatted to Dr. Matthew Feldman. Charming chap. I might email this onto him. I also chatted to Simon Hughes MP and asked him if he was planning on failing any elections in the near future (he has failed 2 leadership contests and one for mayor.) Mr Hughes is also a delightful man, and was quite amusing. We spoke briefly about his collegue Norman Baker’s investigation into the death of Dr David Kelly (that’s a real conspiracy, not a theory) and some other stuff. I wanted to be really rude about these people, but they are not bastards (not like LaRocuhe!). Perhaps I’ll feel a little guilty about being rude earlier. Or perhaps not.

Part 2

4.20pm.
Nice coffee, but it ran out very quickly. Anyway, Simon Hughes is now on the panel, and the cameras are rolling again.
Mr Hughes studied law, and has been a politician for 25 years. (I like him because he spoke to me).
“I have, in the past, taken an interest in sex”
Actually, he said “sects” - that’s a joke for people who read political scandal mags like The Times and The Telegraph.

Hughes is, as to be expected, a good speaker. But again we have the problem – he doesn’t know anything about this case. He just mentioned the conversation that we had 15 minutes ago - he can think on the spot, which is why he’s a half ranking member of the third most important party in the British political system.

People just seem to be “doing the stokes” now. There is a French woman who has a very thick accent. She pronounces the word “cult” as “cunt” – every single time. I’m the only one laughing at this, although I think I saw Simon Hughes MP stifle a giggle.

She said that LaRouche has run – twice – for President of the United States of America.

Actually, I think he has run six times – but the speakers here do not seem to want to concern themselves with things like “facts”. It’s either 5, 6 or 7 times. I can’t remember, but it is more than twice.

She also says “gooder” and “wooder” instead of “good” and “would” – that’s how French she is.

Larouche doesn’t pay the dental bills of his members! That’s this woman’s central argument. I laugh again, and quickly look over my shoulder and under the chair, fooling everyone into thinking it was someone else.

Rainer Fromm is repeating what he said earlier – but it is in a slightly different order.

Oh yes, Simon Hughes told me earlier that he thinks the family paid for the event. But he doesn’t know. Those last two sentences are a microcosm of this whole event.

Chip Berlet has got bored, and has taken out his camera. He is pointing it right at me! I smiled. He just kept filming.

Molly, the insane woman who spoke earlier, said she was “psychologically attacked” for having children. This is a new one – perhaps it is the last remaining demographic to appeal to. Evidence? Examples?

“you get up early, you give up sleeping, you will work round the clock”.

I’m too tired and bored to pick holes in that bit on inanity. This is not evidence. Anyway, if you went without sleep for more than 18 days, call Professor Jim Horne at Loughborough University. He will kick you out of course – when you tell him that, as well as not sleeping, you “get up early”.

The French ex Larouche man, Yves Messer, looks exactly like Jack Straw. “Codewords” is all he goes on about.

Now, someone from a pressure group called “Attack” – again, I thought this was funny, but was alone. She is so boring, that I thought I’d write the best names of people who have been employed by the British Secret Service.

Sir John Scarlett. What a name!

Sir Richard Dearlove. Not bad – a bit gay though.

Dame Stella Rimmington. She should marry John Scareltt and have a child called Marshal. Marshal Scarlett-Rimmington. He’d rock.

Berlet made a joke.
“I wouldn’t let LaRouche run a dog kennel!”

People actually laughed at this desperate attempt, while overlooking genuine comic moments. I saw him eating cakes during the break (I have no evidence for this, but I really, really, believe it).

The people speaking now are just repeating the same tired claims – without evidence, of course – that were made earlier. “Ban them” is said several times.

5.10p.m. some guy is ranting and frothing like a lunatic – Chip Berlet calmly said “what’s the question?” which made me laugh out loud. A few other people must have heard me and though “are we supposed to laugh? OK” because I wasn’t alone this time.

Although if Chip has instead said “What on earth am I doing here?, he’s have brought the house down.

Now a member of the protestant religious cult is taking about…religious cults. Jesus wept.

(edit – I rant on about the woman from “Attack” here, with a detailed physical description and other unpleasantness. She was shouting in my ear, and for a spilt second, I hated her with every fibre in my body. It’s best that I remove it)

I just went to the tiny toilets here (still wearing headphones) and all I could think was “Chip Berlet will never fit in here”

Some twat is now having a go at JS Bach and classical culture. Just some weirdo sitting behind me, who wanted to speak for 5 minutes about precisely nothing.

Berlet just said “Hey, I like Bach!”, which I take to mean that he doesn’t like Bach.

Some more wild accusations before we go – Molly said Helga LaRouche “might” have connections to "China", whoever that is. Molly worked with Helga every day for 31 years WITHOUT ANY SLEEP. But she doesn’t know. Evidence? Helga got a press pass.

More photos. Someone next to me asked not to be photographed just then.

Final comments from the panel…and this is really fitting…

“What we have learnt here today,” says Fromm “is that there is a huge deficit of information here”

Amen.

Copyright Alan Osler 2008 – email me if you want to reproduce any of this.

Horse Hair

2008-09-28T02:03:00.002+02:00

2 video I made whilst drunk. Watch them before the morning demon attacks.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uhMi-3JVv-g

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hcsLrIx5Ke8

Wikipedia - rubbish but funny

2008-05-29T02:12:00.003+02:00

Wikipedia is rubbish, as everyone knows.

However, some pages are worth a look.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Most_vandalized_pages

That's their best one, and it preserves the antics of the heroic wikipedia vandals "forever". Here are some highlights, reproduced word for word.

Dyslexia - Vandalized daily, multiple anon edits, usually with deletions, obscenities, deliberate scrambling of text, or insertion of jokes

Falkland Islands - An anon editing under various 212.120.xxx.xxx addresses repeatedly removes "Malvinas" from the first line against consensus, claiming that consensus doesn't matter.

Oklahoma Christian University - Vandalized a lot given nondescript nature of the school. Students there vandalize page, employees there revert it.

List of transgendered people - An anonymous AOL editor from VA persistently removing or hiding three "Catholic" entries on the list for months.

Iain Lee - One or more users spending all day everyday for the past few weeks adding bad jokes and personal attacks.

Taiwan - Anonymous vandal with ever changing ip addresses who turns this into an article on the Republic of China.

Rove McManus - Vandalised regularly by anons who insert quotes around the word 'comedian'.

I'd buy that for a dollar

2008-01-30T09:13:00.000+01:00

Today, I was going to write about how we sholdn't allow paedophiles to strip search children at airports, but the BBC have already covered this, and they get a few more visitors then I do.

So here is today's mess.

I had a call yesterday from my London based bodyguard, Alan Walker.

Mr Walker is one of the most highly decorated civillians in the United Kingdom. He received the Queen's Commendation for Bravery a few years ago - he saved someone's life by fighting an armed, convicted rapist, and restrained the felon until police arrived. This is just the tip of the iceberg regarding Mr Walker's selflessness - he has several similar awards.

How do we treat our heros?

Mr Walker dropped a cigarette butt on the pavement in a London street. He was accosted by two council workers, who decided to demand a fine of fifty pounds. Seventy five pounds, if he doesn't pay up quickly. If Mr Walker exercises his right to appeal and loses, he will face a fine of up to two thousand five hundred pounds. For dropping a cigarette butt.

I do not normally advocate swearing, as it debases our wonderful language...but what the fuck is going on? It is OK to use depleted uranium in the Middle East and poison the earth for millions of years to come, but if you drop a half inch piece of paper, you get threatened by people pretending to be policemen.

I'm tempted to suggest that Mr Walker is being hassled because of his sexual orientation.

Get out those "V" masks.

(oh, if anyone sees any spelling mistakes here, please point them out. Blogger have disabled my spellcheck (and several other things) for reasons best known to themselves. Wankers.)

Charlie Brooker is God

2008-01-24T03:02:00.000+01:00

No, I don't really believe that Charlie Brooker is God, but I do believe that he will, occasionally, search the Internet for the phrase "Charlie Brooker is God", and will therefore end up on this page.

(I know this, because I search for "Alan Osler is God" every single day, in the vain hope that someone has caught on.)

Anyway, in about 3 weeks I will have about 10 copies of my book to give away. 9 have already been promised to friends, family and various hangers on. The last one will go to Charlie Brooker, because he is just so damn funny. Or Bob Mills. Or even Russell Brand. Whoever emails me first at aosler@hotmail.com. Or anyone else for that matter. Anyone except George Clooney, (the guy who advertises coffee) and Samuel L Jackson (who does adverts for a Big Wank Bank).

Finally, here is a brief quote from Private Eye magazine.

Cambridge's former mayor John Hipkin was sacked from the planning committee after the council's Lesbian, Gay and Transgender Group accused him of "hetrosexism". Hipkin's crime was to have called for more family homes to be built, which was, er, "insensitive" to gay and lesbian home buyers.

hahaha! I worked in the media for 10 years, which is full of gay types. Seriously, they are not offended by anything. Just ask Keith (or Tom).

I am dead

2008-01-12T17:19:00.000+01:00

http://www.lastingtribute.co.uk/tribute/osler/2142895

I died in 2004.

Anyway, here is Dudley Moore's brilliant Beethoven Sonata parody to cheer you up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GazlqD4mLvw

If there's one thing I can't stand, I can't stand up.

2008-01-10T20:07:00.000+01:00

My bodyguard, John Davis, has a new webpage.

Here it is.

http://www.jdav007.blogspot.com/

John, known as "The Thing" by the other three members, is thinking about starting up a child minding service. Haha! Terry McCann - style perhaps. Amusingly, he wanted to know if I "wanted in".

Anyway, check out his webpage, it is quite good.

Do not trust airport baggage handlers

2007-12-11T23:29:00.000+01:00

Here is an excerpt from a letter that appeared in Viz magazine a few years ago.

Read and tremble.

Five years ago I worked as a baggage handler at Manchester airport. One day I saw Ulrika Jonsson checking her suitcase in for the the Heathrow Shuttle, so I made my way down to the baggage hall and awaited the 'prize bag'. As colleagues kept watch, the bag was thrown to me inside the aircraft container and I put Ulrika's knickers on my head forthwith. As I opened her washbag and took the top off her Ladyshave, I was awestruck to see a solitary golden pube adorning the razor foil. At this point I was rushed by my excited colleagues just as I was about to put it in my mouth for safe keeping.

...it gets worse, but I think this will do for today.

Real life cartoons

2007-10-18T13:13:00.000+02:00

This sort of thing happens every day in German supermarkets. "Do you need anything from the shop?" is almost always answered with "toilet paper and X", with X being milk, eggs, cigarettes or beer.

I should point out that it was actually drawn by one of my bodyguards, Suzanne. (You might need to click on it to actually see what it says)

Many years ago, I worked in an office which employed a very small person. Not a dwarf or midget, but someone who, in a photo, would look average-sized, but in real life, she was very very small. Whenever she spoke, you´d find yourself nodding in agreement while thinking to yourself "but you´re just so small".

Anyway, imagine if you had a whole office full of people like that. You could get some half size chairs, coffee mugs and computers, and set them all to work. When a client came to visit the office, you could pretend that he had doubled in size, for a joke. It would be fantastic. If anyone ever gets on one of those TV programs when the best idea wins a million pounds, suggest this one.

"If you take his name literally, Bin laden actually means ´full up wastepaper basket´which makes him seem much less scary" - letter in Viz magazine, issue 169

Pulling a Lynndie

2007-09-24T19:04:00.000+02:00

Most have fond memories of Lynndie England, who tried to cheer up Abu Ghraib detainees by striping them naked.

Wait, that isn´t right.

Anyway, look on the Internets for "pulling a Lynndie", just to see how out of date this "joke" is.

The object being Lynndied is my nearly finished book, which is again at the proof reader. There is a good reason for this. The book was written entirely under the influence of red wine. Every bit of it - so it is sometimes a bit mental (the last chapter is off the scale). This is also why it has taken so long to complete - it is difficult to drink red wine all day, every day, although I did try.

The most amusing things on the planet

2007-09-20T13:34:00.000+02:00

Today was supposed to be an update about my almost finished book. It is waiting to be proof read by one of my bodyguards, John Davis, who inexplicably chose to get married last week.

Never mind. In the meantime, here are the top ten funniest things invented by man.

1. When Monty Python were required to produce an album for their record company, they chose to call it "Monty Python´s Contractual Obligation Album".

2. The UK´s Viz magazine. Here is a recent letter:
"If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we´d all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London".

3. This 30 second clip from Family Guy, the Mad Horse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ydMXaIpgg

That will probably be gone soon due to "copyright infringement". Twats.

4. This 3 minute clip, again from Family Guy. the Bin Laden tape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc

5. Here is another brilliant Bin Laden clip, probably from someone like Armando Iannucci.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYWqPY-o8Eo

10. Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris & Victor Lewis Smith.
Rumour has it that these three people are in fact only one person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Check out "Screenwipe", "Brass Eye", "TV Offal" and while you´re at it, Harry Hill´s TV Burp on youtube. (Incidentally, Brooker is the same age as I am, but he looks much older. He also appears to be fatter.)

Oh yes, and Bob Mills. His complete works, Medinner, is available on youtube.

It goes to show that television is only entertaining when it is mercilessly lampooning itself.

So much for my list of ten things. If anyone thinks that there is something else amusing on this godforsaken planet, leave a comment and I´ll edit it in.

Never Look a Sidegift in the Mouth

2007-09-10T14:31:00.000+02:00

The anonymous commenter who goes by the name of "Sidegift" (real name Peter Osler) has ruined my plan. I was going to call Berlin Zoo, and borrow some animals in order to stage scientific fights to the death in my back garden (if I had one).

Remember, this is Germany. Odd things happen here. For example, Germans do not even get the chance to vote for their own president (Horst Kohler, former head of the IMF). Instead, they get to vote for a "chancellor", whoever he is.

But to suggest a simple viewing of Animal Face Off to decide the animal victor...well, that is probably one of the biggest mistakes Sidegift has ever made (the other being wetting his bed on his wedding night).

My next update will be solely about music lessons and my book. You know who to blame.

Is The World Weird Enough? Part 23.

2007-08-31T18:45:00.000+02:00

Here´s a human interest story, from Der Spiegel and Lawyers Weekly. I don´t read that trash (it was also printed in Private Eye magazine).

"Two years ago, a space ship sucked me up into its interior and carried me off into space. The aliens probed my anus and genitalia, then manipulated my brain and sent me back to earth as an apprentice shaman, to bless the city in advance of the arrival of further aliens. Following their orders, I closed my bank account, bathed naked in a municipal fountain, then rode my bicycle naked through the streets of Dresden, at which point I was arrested by police and sent to a psychiatric hospital. But I have done nothing wrong. I am a victim of aliens, and I demand my freedom" - Paul Hoffman.

A lawyer named Jens Lorek, who specialises in this sort of thing, has taken the case.

See how unrealistic Independence Day was? I like the sound of these aliens. They appear to have a finely tuned sense of humour.

My next post will answer the question that everyone on earth has asked themselves, at least once (although I think about it every day, and have done for more then three decades) - who would win in a fight between a polar bear and a rhinoceros? I am taking bets.

Quiz of the century

2007-08-15T11:03:00.000+02:00

One of the questions I get asked the most often is thusly...

"Who is the biggest wanker - George Bush or Tony Blair?"

Let´s perform a scientific analysis of the available evidence.

On Google, a search for "Tony Blair is a wanker" gives us 493 results.

"George Bush is a wanker" gives us 722 results. Ergo, Bush is a bigger wanker than Blair.

Right now, there are no matches on the entire internets for "George Bush is a bigger wanker than Tony Blair", so I am pleased to be able to place the first one.

However, using the same technique, you will find that Blair is considered to be a far bigger arse than the monkey faced boy king. Incidentally, Google is wank (6 matches).

What would Jebus do?

2007-08-04T13:05:00.000+02:00

Here are some of the maddest quotes of the year.

"Men are breast-crazy beasts...so breastfeeding her male colleagues should give a woman a sense of safety and security, when sharing an office with men...After breastfeeding them, the woman is allowed to remove her hijab and reveal her hair without feeling embarrassed. I suggest a minimum of five sucks for each male colleague."
Sheikh Ezzat, The Egyptian Gazette 27 May, printed in Private Eye #1190

Or what about this one

"You heard the story about Orientals having a small what-cha-ma-call it. They put something in the makeup that women wore here which leads the children to be born - the males - with small genitalia"
Benjamin Fulford, former Asia-Pacific beauru chief, Forbes magazine, in an interview with Jeff Rense, 11 July.

Polls are open until the end of the month (send emails). I will anounce the winner during some sparkling military parade through the streets of London in September.

Airports are dangerous

2007-07-23T11:48:00.000+02:00

Here is Germany, you cannot buy proper food. There is no cheddar cheese to speak of, and the only bacon available is terrible, American style streaky bacon that you wouldn´t even feed your children. You cannot get orange squash, Branston pickle or HP sauce.

Knowing Germany, this food is probably against one of their laws.

Anyway, while traveling from the UK to Germany recently, I thought I´d take with me a jar of mustard piccalilli with me.

"Do you have any pastes or fluids with you?" asked the polite chap as I went through check in. I showed him the jar. He said that he would have to confiscate it, because it might be a bomb.

Might be a bomb.

So what did he do? Did he call in the bomb squad? Did he carefully place the jar in a reinforced concrete block?

No. He literally threw it into a huge bin, which had hundreds of other jars of piccalilli in it.

"If you really believe that it could be a bomb, is throwing it around a sensible thing to do?"

I also pointed out that he spent all day standing next to a huge pile of potential bombs. The chap did not seem to understand, and yet he is allowed to carry around a presumably loaded gun.

Something is wrong here.

Links for the unimpaired

2007-07-20T21:41:00.000+02:00

I wanted a links page on the right hand side navigation bar, but it is a crap system. It just wants links, with no comments (if I am wrong, please let me know).

So instead I´ve got this "Links" post, which I might edit once in a while, and change the date to have it near the top. Might.

These are some of the most useful sites on the web.

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/
Mike Rivero has been running this controversial news site for 14 years.

http://www.anti-neocons.com/
Author Ryan Dawson´s news forum. Dawson is so good that he lets you argue with him.

http://forums.randi.org/forumdisplay.php?f=64
This is the James Randi forum, subsection "Conspiracy Theories", one of the largest sites for skeptics. The excellent moderators on this site manage to make it one of the best places to watch a collection of unsung geniuses and master wordsmiths at work.

http://z10.invisionfree.com/aaronmann
This is the discussion forum for political activist Aaron Mann. There are diamonds in this site, even though Aaron lost his hair when he was 24.

Much more to come here.

The pen is mightier than the sword. If you throw it hard enough.

2007-07-20T20:56:00.000+02:00

This is one of the maddest quotes of the year.

"We must replace the signs on the handicapped toilets that say ´deformed men´, and the meeting place for ethnic minorities that is currently signposted as ´Racist Park´. Some of the translations are really problematic and not so polite."
Liu Yang of the Chinese Foreign Affairs Office (Quoted in the UK´s Private Eye magazine No 1189)

Anyway, here is a list of the chapter titles of my still messed up book.

The Con - Navigating the Sea of Disinformation

1. The Closed Mind
2. Foot in Mouth Disease
3. Religion - The Original Con
4. Darwinian Evolution - Religion for Atheists
5. Education - Another Brick in the Wall
6. The Destruction of Culture - Mozart Spins in his Grave
7. Hollywood History Lessons
8. Real History Lessons
9. Biological Warfare at Home
10. Blackmailing the Rulers of the world
11. Disinformation, Crisis Management and the Super Bizarre
12. The Puppeteers
13. Conjecture, Opinion and other such Wank

If anyone can give me a better chapter title, please email me (you´ll get credit if it is used). I´ll update this bit as I go along, probably.

Look at some of Howard Bloom´s chapter titles, in his masterpiece Global Brain - The Evolution of Mass Mind from the Big Bang to the 21st Century

4. From Social Synapses to Social Ganglions: Complex Adaptive Systems in the Jurassic Days
11. The End of the Ice Age and the Rise of Urban Fire
17. Swiveling Eyes and Pivoting Minds: The Pull of Influence Attractors

There are many more. Bloom is a genius.

More info on my book, just in case the four of you are interested.

It is short. One thing people asked me is "How long is your book?". Short seemed to be the most acceptable answer. You can read it in a day, if you can stay awake long enough.

It is also not entirely serious. There are some very serious topics discussed, but it is not like reading a real non-fiction book. I find that most books about important subjects tend to be rather boring, so this one is interspaced with various semi-amusing nonsense.

Please leave a message if you see any spelling mistakes in this post, as I have had a few glasses of wine this evening.

Credit to James for the title of chapter 13

"I´m the king of the bus!"

2007-07-19T15:51:00.000+02:00

Many years ago, I had an argument with a London bus driver. In the end, he wouldn´t let me board until I admitted that he was "king of the bus". I told the queue forming behind me "He wants me to say that he is the king of the bus". They laughed. If you are reading this, bus driver, you are are twat.

I´ve had close to a million emails, asking for a picture of one of my guitars. Here it is.

If you are going to have a photo taken, make sure it is in front of a massive stack of books.

Seeing as I´m the king of this website, I can manipulate things to make sure this picture doesn´t appear on the top of the page.

Welcome

2007-07-18T16:57:00.001+02:00

Welcome to my webpage.

This page will serve several functions. Firstly...

Music lessons

You can learn to play piano in a matter of months. No boring scales or arpeggios (well, one or two perhaps). All styles, from Elton John to Franz Liszt.

Or perhaps learn to play guitar. It is easy. Play like Jimi Hendrix, again within a few months, if you put in the practice.

Oh yes, I am based in Berlin, Germany. My German language skills are rubbish. It looked like a good gap in the market. There are very few private, English language only music teachers in Berlin. For some reason.

(I´ll also teach English lessons here in Germany. But you may as well learn music at the same time)

If you need someone to play the piano at a wedding or similar happy event, please email me.

Additionally, I have written a short book about political and historical censorship. It has just come back from the proof reader, who pointed out spelling errors, and also question marks where there should be dates. It should be published in a few months, and I´ll probably put the chapter titles up here soon.

For more info on the lessons or the book, please email me at aosler@hotmail.com